Baiku

by Fritz van Orden

It’s June 20, 2007, and just got back from a four-day training ride.  I'm training for a couple of extended camping tours I'll be doing this summer, plus the Braking the Cycle ride in September.  I had almost 40 lbs. of camping gear on my Cougar touring road bike.  Since writing long descriptions of my travels is even more tedious than reading them, I decided I would express myself in the form of haiku.  Since they are all haiku about bicycling, they’re baiku!

George Washington Bridge:

A bicyclist's worst nightmare.

Kill the DOT!

Shimmy wobble shake.

Let's tighten up the headset!

Shimmy wobble shake.

Rockland County.  Lost.

North is south and west is south.

All roads go straight up.

Ten vertical miles.

Harriman mountain mantra:

Ain't to proud to push.

Ashram dinnertime:

Beansprouts, kale and raw tofu.

Where's my martini?

Transparent pup tent.

Falling asleep at twilight

swimming in fireflies.

*  *  *

Realization:

Derailleurs are just like dogs.

They want attention.

How do you transport

a quart of ripe strawberries

on a bicycle?

A sudden downpour.

Pannier covers:  shower caps

fluorescent yellow.

*  *  *

Roast chicken, fried eggs,

salad niçoise, bbq.

Where's the weight loss here?

Two snoring puppies.

The dishwasher makes such a

contented rumble.

So tired.  Time to nap.

TV:  Alaska bike race,

a Tiger bogey.

*  *  *

The dew has burned off.

Puppy poop on cycling shoes.

Good morning, summer!

Mountain laurel blooms.

Rhododendron?  Kalmia?

Oh, who gives a damn!

A quick roadside stop;

I'm communing with nature.

Pissin in da bushes.

Feeling cramped up here.

I think my stem is too short.

Don't tell Sheila!*

Cougar on the train.

Sun shines into tunnel un-

der Park Avenue.

Successful journey.

I didn't get no road rash -

Just poison ivy.

___________________________________

*  Bike-shop guru

_____________ 

OK, enough baiku. I have two stories. 

My first night I stayed in a yoga ashram near Harriman N.Y.  It's beautiful, scenic and tranquil.  All vegetarian food and no alcohol, of course.  It reminded me of a recent bike-ride dinner I recently attended.  Six of us from the Fast and Fab bike club had just finished a 90-mile ride and were having dinner at an Italian place near New Hope, Pa.  We started ordering like a bunch of effete New Yorkers:  "I'll have the lobster ravioli -- and a glass of pinot grigio."   "I'll have the tofu salad -- and just water, please."  Big Mike was having none of this.  When it came his turn, Mike said in his gruffest voice:  "I'll have a steak.  And a martini." 

I recently bought saddlebags and a little handlebar bag for bike trips.  Each one came with rain covers that look like big fluorescent yellow shower caps.  You could imagine Martin Lawrence's Shanaynay wearing one.  This was nice, but what would protect my little computer/odometer when it started to rain?  I don't want it shorting out.   Fortunately, the week before I left, we had the Brooklyn Gay Pride street fair on Prospect Park West, right on my daily cycling route.  You can't walk ten feet without someone handing you a condom. 

Aha!  This could be a solution!  Accepting a few unlubricated condoms, I put them into my handlebar bag for a rainy day.  Then on the second day of my ride, as I approached the foot of the Shawangunks, it started to rain.  I whipped out the shower caps, placed them over the bags, and then found the condom stash.  Carefully opening to package to guard against tears, I removed the unlubricated item and started to wrap it around my bike computer.  As I was doing so, someone in a truck drives by and yells "I've heard about bicycle safety, but this is riddickulous!"